just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
