pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
