Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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