Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
