life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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