why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I just found puke in my bra..
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
