nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
