Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
People with herpes should wear stickers.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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