i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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