Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
