You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
