hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
