Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize
