My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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