And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
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