so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
