I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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