One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
