Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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