needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
