The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
