I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
