I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
