like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
