I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
