I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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