I haven't been this sober since birth.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I came so hard my ears popped.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
