is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
