They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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