If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
