I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
