The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
