she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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