Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
