When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Randomize
