remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
