Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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