I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
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