i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
