Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
He better not be in your backpack
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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