so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
