i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
