guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I just found puke in my bra..
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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