I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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