I have demons in me.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
