maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
