You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
