Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
