I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Randomize
