hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
