You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
